I’m back. I didn’t feel like I had anything to write about, so I used that time to get back into the swing of things with school and such.
This has been quite the interesting week for me. I’ve had a few realizations after being tested in different ways.
The amount love, care, time, patience, faith, trust you put in a person does not guarantee anything at all. At some point, you just have to be mindful of yourself and your needs. I’m such a giver in life, especially to those I care about. And there’s one person in particular that I would give everything and some. Shit, I already have actually. And I have absolutely nothing to show for it other than broken promises and fading memories. Right now, I’m preparing for REAL life. This isn’t middle school anymore. Every decision I make has an impact on my immediate and long term future. I don’t have time to waste anymore. And I refuse to waste anymore TIME helping people who don’t want to help themselves. I can’t fight anyone’s battles for them. I will fight along side them, but I simply cannot fight for them. So what do you do when someone asks for your support, promises change, and knows they need you, but can’t stop themselves from making destructive decisions which only hurts you?? Hmm?? Any takers? No? Oh. Okay. I don’t know either. I made a promise 10 years ago, and I intend to keep it. I just have no idea how.
I am the square block trying to fit in the round hole. Learning how to cope with not being wanted, accepted, or even understood has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And what is even more confusing is that I’ve tried, maybe not to the best of my ability, but I’ve made attempts, only to be rebuffed. So what to do then?? Hell, I don’t know. But I can tell you what I’ve decided to do: MOVE THE HELL ON. A lot of things in this life are material and temporary, and I’m coming to understand and accept that. Not getting to know me, like, REALLY know me (which very few people do) is a loss in itself. Not to me, but to others. But to understand why that is, one must know me. Enigma? Eh. Maybe. But, it isn’t for me to worry about anymore. I’m simply over it. Will I get pissed and frustrated about it even more at some point? Probably. Mais, ces’t la vie.Time stops for NO man.
The are moments in my life where I lose my filter and become brutally honest. Only a few people have witnessed this first hand, but it can either be hilarious or pretty ugly. Especially if the situation has a negative context to it. But sometimes, it happens accidentally.
I’m a Sagittarius. My apologies.
I hate conflict though, so I am usually trying to hold on tight to that filter between my mind and mouth. I know how to handle conflict. I would just rather not have to deal with it. That’s just me.
I realized that I have one of THE best support systems EVER. Unfortunately, it doesn’t consist of much blood family, but a few of those who I consider family. Always there for me, even when I’m stubborn and want to be by myself. I will be forever thankful for the few who have constantly and consistently been in my corner. Know that you are appreciated.
…Geez. I feel like 10 times better, lol. I should probably get some sleep now. And if you think this post is about you, it just might be.